Song of Solomon 4:7 (Affirmation)
“You are altogether beautiful, my love; there is no flaw in you” (Song of Solomon 4:7).
Men, if you could only say one thing to your wife, what would it be? Most would probably say, “I love you,” but what does that really mean?
If we’re honest with ourselves, when we say, “I love you,” it typically means, “I love what you do for me,” rather than, “I love you for who you are.”
Now there’s nothing wrong with saying, “I love you!” to your wife. In fact, she needs to hear you say it as often as possible. However, love is a pretty vague term. How then do you know she understands what you mean when you say it?
As stated in my recent blog post, WHAT WOMEN NEED MOST, wants and needs are two completely different issues. However, determining to meet both is critical if we desire to live with our wives in an understanding way.
“Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered” (1 Peter 3:7).
The key point is that spiritual leadership is the most important gift a husband can provide his wife to guard her heart and protect her mind from spiritual warfare.
Therefore, as outlined in another recent blog post, HOW MEN SHOULD TREAT WOMEN, a man who leads his family spiritually will sow seeds of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control (Galatians 5:22-23), inevitably protecting his family from the enemy’s schemes.
IDENTITY:
Compared to what women need, wants are more complicated to decipher because every woman is unique. Consequently, it is critical a man studies the woman he loves and learns her likes and dislikes. Why? Because a man with a teachable heart is a prize possession for a wife, for it shows he cares enough to pay attention and remember important details about her.
However, what a woman desires more than anything is to know she is loved, honored, valued, respected, and appreciated by the man who holds her heart. Therefore, a man must not only demonstrate his love and commitment by marrying her unto death do they part, he must understand the responsibility he has before God to bless his wife daily and remind her who she is in Christ.
“He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the LORD” (Proverbs 18:22).
Dr. Gary Chapman’s love languages offer guidance in this area. For example, words of affirmation may elevate to the top of list for some women as their preferred method of receiving love, while others prefer physical touch, quality time, acts of service, or gifts. However, does that mean affirming words are insignificant for some women?
Keep in mind, because women desire emotional connection and need spiritual intimacy from their husbands, the words we speak to their hearts and minds are critical, regardless if words of affirmation are not #1 on their personal list. Why? Because words of affirmation are not confined to compliments alone, but rather truth and blessing spoken in love and kindness (Song of Solomon 4:7), which will protect her heart emotionally, spiritually, and psychologically.
“Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear” (Ephesians 4:29).
Therefore, no man gets a pass on affirming his wife. None are exempt even if words of affirmation do not come naturally to us. For every husband is instructed by God to live with his wife in an understanding way and remind her who she truly is—a precious daughter of God, made in His image without flaw or blemish.
However, be forewarned! If you will not take the time and make the effort to frequently bless and honor your wife, rest assured the enemy will find another man who will recognize her value and affirm her beauty in your absence. As a result, intentionality and consistency are vital to protecting your wife and guarding her heart.
“Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil” (Ephesians 6:11).
CULTURE:
Culture is persistently waging war on the psyche of women, pressuring them to self-identify based on what they see in the mirror compared to others, rather than who they are in Christ. It is a never-ending cycle of striving to meet a worldly standard rather than resting on the absolute truth of God’s Word where our Creator defines true beauty.
“Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear—but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious” (1 Peter 3:3–4).
Compared to culture, God’s Word defines a woman’s value based on her integrity and character, first and foremost. Therefore, she doesn’t need to concern herself with how the world defines beauty because “charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised” (Proverbs 31:30).
However, even though a woman’s character is the most important aspect of her beauty, it is still imperative a husband affirms his wife’s physical attributes as well. Why? Because as times passes and children are born, her physical appearance will change and doubt will creep into her mind, tempting her to believe she is no longer attractive or beautiful.
Undoubtedly, every woman struggles with self-doubt from time to time. It’s simply human nature. However, a husband has the unique power of blessing or cursing squarely on his lips, just as Solomon demonstrated. Therefore, a man is wise to choose his words carefully and consider the impact they will have on her psyche (positive or negative) BEFORE they are spoken.
“But no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. With it we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse people who are made in the likeness of God. From the same mouth come blessing and cursing. My brothers, these things ought not to be so” (James 3:8–10).
Failing to affirm your wife is simply cancerous to a marriage because the enemy will exploit her insecurities and cause her to adopt a negative self-perception of herself. Consequently, once seeds of doubt begin to take root in her mind, it is difficult to convince her heart otherwise if the only opportunity you take to affirm her is erratic, rare, or indifferent.
In many ways, affirmation is another form of provision in your home. It helps promote peace and contentment in who God is as our sovereign provider. Therefore, a man is wise to not only consider provision from a physical standpoint, but emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually as well.
“But if anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for members of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever” (1 Timothy 5:8).
PERSPECTIVE:
How then should we apply the wisdom of Song of Solomon 4:7 in our marriages? For every human being has flaws, so why should we make such a bold and all-encompassing declaration to our wives?
Keep in mind, perhaps our best tool for gleaning wisdom from this particular verse is to consider life from a 40,000-foot perspective to appreciate the horizon and take all that we see into consideration. For if we do not recognize the big picture here, we’ll lose focus over-analyzing the finer details.
“Do not judge by appearances, but judge with right judgment” (John 7:24).
For example, if you have been blessed by God to have biological children, you’ve witnessed your wife endure 9 months of nausea, vomiting, backaches, swelling, heartburn, sleeplessness, etc. (just to name a few), and that doesn’t even include child birth!
Moreover, consider the unenviable experience of birthing a baby through countless contractions and hours/days of labor pain before the body is stretched beyond comprehension and/or literally cut open across the abdomen to safely bring a 5-12lb child into this world.
It begs the question: Why would a woman willingly choose to endure such pain and agony knowing childbirth will alter her physical appearance the rest of her life, and likely result in hormonal side effects and permanent ailments as a result of pregnancy?
“When a woman is giving birth, she has sorrow because her hour has come, but when she has delivered the baby, she no longer remembers the anguish, for joy that a human being has been born into the world” (John 16:21).
Without question, watching the woman you love give birth to a child made in your image and likeness is an amazing experience. It is truly the most miraculous gift God could ever give a husband and wife, and yet He chose women to be the vessel by which children are born.
“Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD, the fruit of the womb a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one’s youth. Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them! He shall not be put to shame when he speaks with his enemies in the gate” (Psalm 127:3–5).
Therefore, considering the enormous sacrifice women make on our behalf, how could any man look at his wife and not emphatically declare, “You are altogether beautiful, my love; there is no flaw in you” (Song of Solomon 4:7)?
Your wife has made (or likely will make) the ultimate sacrifice on behalf of your family bearing children. Therefore, love, honor, and treasure every stretch mark, weight gain, mood swing, or hormonal side effect she bears, because her sacrifice is a priceless blessing and worthy of your highest praise and gratitude.
In other words, perspective is all about taking the bad with the good and choosing which you will focus on in the moment. Granted, your wife may not be the easiest to live with some days, but that does not discredit the honor she is due as a daughter of the Most High God.
Therefore, your obligation as her husband is to affirm the beauty you see in her, REGARDLESS OF HER IMPERFECTIONS, because her beauty is not dependent upon how she behaves at any particular moment.
In other words, her value must be permanent in your eyes and filtered through the lens of Song of Solomon 4:7, because she was created by God to help you become the man God calls you to be and realistically, compensate for your imperfections.
“An excellent wife who can find? She is far more precious than jewels. The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain. She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life” (Proverbs 31:10–12).
SINCERITY:
Song of Solomon 4:7 can be a difficult passage for women to accept because when looking in the mirror they lose count of how many imperfections they see, and how those insecurities make them feel. For culture has convinced them to evaluate their beauty based on an unrealistic, “air-brushed” standard, and to compare themselves to others.
That is why a man must be gentle and sincere when he speaks Song of Solomon 4:7 over his wife, which begins with articulating WHY she is flawless in his eyes and HOW her perfection is even possible all things considered.
Granted, your wife is not perfect. You know that and she definitely knows that. However, when you think about your wife or talk about her publicly to others, is your perspective filtered through the lens of Song of Solomon 4:7 or the world? Or perhaps more pointedly, what perception are others left with (positive or negative) after hearing you talk about your wife?
Jesus said, “If a house is divided against itself, that house will not be able to stand” (Mark 3:25). Therefore, what you say as a husband and father plays an immeasurable role in setting the tone of blessing or cursing in your home. For love is a choice, and you must recognize the golden opportunity you’ve been given by God to model and promote blessing in your home.
Therefore, what your wife needs more than anything is to know she is safe and secure in your love for her, and you can meet her greatest need by reminding her who she is in Christ to guard her heart and protect her mind from spiritual warfare.
“From now on, therefore, we regard no one according to the flesh. Even though we once regarded Christ according to the flesh, we regard him thus no longer. Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come” (2 Corinthians 5:16–17).
BOTTOM-LINE:
Paul wrote, “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish” (Ephesians 5:25–27).
Therefore, when you proclaim Song of Solomon 4:7 over your wife, you are “cleansing her by the washing of water with the word.” It is an act of sacrificial love because your duty as a husband is to not hold her sins against her, but to affirm her identity of perfection in Christ.
In other words, your perception of your wife should mirror how God will see her on judgment day—when He looks upon her failures and imperfections through the lens of Christ’s blood and declares, “Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine” (Isaiah 43:1).
Therefore, may we extend the same grace and mercy to our wives and choose to affirm the priceless beauty we recognize in them by humbly proclaiming, “Many women have done excellently, but you surpass them all” (Proverbs 31:29).
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